Unprotected Rex Acceptance Speech

Mike Tirico: What a finish here tonight in New Orleans! In dramatic fashion, Drew Bees breaks Dan Marino's decades-old record for being a really awesome QB. But greater than that, with the late record-breaking touchdown pass from Brees to Sproles, he locked up the Rec Center Used-To-Be's fantasy football championship. Rather than settle for an interview with Brees, we're here with Gary Baker, owner/GM/head coach/ motivational leader of this year's first-place team, Unprotected Rex. Gary- how do you feel?

"As usual, Mike, I feel pretty awesome. I just wake up and pretty much exude awesomeness until I go to bed. And sometimes in my sleep, too."

Tirico: In the Saints locker room tonight, Brees took time to not only thank his teammates, but also the coaching staff, trainers, stadium workers... pretty much everyone short of the 'Ice cold BEER HERE' guy roaming the stands. Is there anyone you would like to thank?

"Yeah yeah, that was real sweet of Drew. I noticed how he was trying to steal my thunder here tonight. What a jerk. A selfish jerk. No, I'm just kidding Mike. I'd like to thank myself again for the whole awesome thing. After that, I'd like to first and foremost thank the good Lord for making this all possible. Happy belated birthday to my main man Jesus. What up JC. Also, Lord, please forgive me for cursing at the TV so much on Sundays, for being really pissed off late in the game tonight when I was down ten with 4 minutes left, would not talk to my wife, and was planning a hateful email to the other people in the league. But you understand, Father. After all, you created fantasy football."

Tirico: O....k.... anyone else you'd like to recognize?

"I have to thank my wife for putting up with my temper tantrums, my refreshing the fantasy page hundreds of times on Sundays, and for watching lots of football she probably doesn't care about. I'd like to thank Rex Ryan, not for being a good coach, but for inspiring my fantasy team name. I'd also like to thank the other owners in the league for being less awesome than me so that I could win the most money possible. To Bros B4 Shiancoes, My Ditka in Your Butkus, and the rest of the gang, thanks for playing."

Tirico: You seem really cocky for a guy who has never won a fantasy league before...

"Your mom seems pretty cocky Mike. It's true though, I have racked up my share of 2nd place finishes, but never the big cheese. I just wanted to build everyone else's confidence. It was like a 10-year game of possum. And it worked! So the previous fantasy failures of Jersey Sure, Nancy Lieberman, Leon Phelps, 3StacksOfHighSociety, Tony Danza, I Love Leadership, Northern Hospitality, Cobra Kai Dojo and I've got LeFevour... those were all just setting me up for this year's success. Over a decade of futility culminated in a championship. It's like Andy Reid, but the opposite."

Tirico: Interesting strategy indeed. Do you attribute any success to this year's players?

"Not really Mike. Fantasy sports is all about management. The guys on the field had little to do with my success. In fact, it's the other way around. Drew Brees, Rob Gronkowski, Darren Sproles, Megatron, Niners Defense... they all would have underperformed if I wasn't motivating them with threatening emails every week. I told Brees before the season that if he didn't break the passing record by throwing a TD to Sproles in Week 16 to wrap up my championship season, I would expose him as a fraud."

Tirico: And how is he a fraud exactly?

"I can't tell you, because he locked up the championship. I also motivated other guys just enough to keep them relevant and get me points as my role players, but not dominate too much, because then nobody would want to play in the league with me next year. That's why Stevie Johnson, DeSean Jackson and Ahmad Bradshaw all had some decent weeks, but refused to bring it all the time. They performed when needed. So what if DeSean is in a contract year? He couldn't show off EVERY week, because then he'd be forced to hold out. By being mediocre most of the time, he also played possum. Strategery, Mike."

Tirico: Interesting. So what's your strategy looking forward to next year?

"Well, since Santa's elves all got laid off last week, I picked them up off waivers and have them doing research for me for next year. Who will be the sleeper who changes teams like Sproles and thrives in a new system? What budding TE will blow up like Gronk and become a Pro Bowler next year? That's what I have Buddy and his elf friends working on right now."

Tirico: Pure genius. So what are you planning on doing with the winnings?

"Probably spending them wisely and making shrewd financial investments. I can get a Rickey Henderson rookie card on EBay for 3.99. Dozens of Starting Lineup figurines. You know how many chicken wings I can buy with a few hundred bucks? More than a few hundred wings. I'm going to talk to my financial advisor to see which of these is my best option."

Tirico: Very wise indeed. Great work, and congratulations on the victory.

"Thanks Mike. Congrats to you on this opportunity to interview me. It's truly an honor in itself, and I am proud of you."

Tirico: Thanks. Back to you guys in the studio!
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Stupid, I know.

So I'll make up for it by posting this awesome trailer for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. Posted it on fb, so if you saw it there, no need to watch again. Unless you want to overdose on Batman.



Slainte,
Gary